Posted by: nastypen | May 13, 2008

A Vampiric Conversation at a Bookstore

I was with a friend who we shall address now as Nora. We were browsing through the shelves at a bookstore. Nora pointed at this black book and said “Isn’t that book the ‘hottest’ novel now?” I picked it up and it was Twilight. “Yup,” I said, “It’s supposed to be a vampire novel. Heard it was good.” Nora asked, “Are you getting it?” Me, “Hell no.”

Nora: Why Not?

Me: The last time I pandered to book fads shall be The Da Vinci Code.

Nora: Ah yes. Didn’t you finish that book overnight?

Me: Yes. I couldn’t wait to finish it.

Nora: Because it was good?

Me: Not really. It was ok. It was not brilliant. I just wanted to know how it will end.

Nora: So, you’re not getting Twilight?

Me: Why? So you could borrow it from me?

Nora: Yes! ahahhaa.

Me: Sorry, girl, I don’t lend books now. I lent one back in 1995. Still has not been returned to me. Lent another one to a friend’s girlfriend. They broke up and my book is collateral damage.

Nora: I keep hearing from my friends that Twilight is good.

Me: I’ve had enough of vampires. I read somewhere it’s “Anne Rice Lite.” And I don’t like Anne Rice’s vampire novels.

Nora: I think Anne Rice became more frightening when she started writing those Jesus books.

Me: Anne Rice’s Queen of the Damned novel is good though, I must admit. The movie was horrible as usual but Aaliyah‘s hip movements and that drunken drag queen with bad teeth accent stole the show. There’s a Twilight movie coming soon.

Nora: Will you watch it?

Me: Only if someone pays for my ticket.

Nora (still holding the book): Should I buy this?

Me: Well, it’s cheaper than a lot of the books here. Go!

Nora: What’s your favorite vampire novel?

Me: Anything written by Tanith Lee. I bought her Paradys series at La Solidaridad Bookstore years and years ago. I thought her language was both savage and beautiful. It was not porno.

Nora: Didn’t you have those porn novels?

Me: Are you kidding me? A friend gave me her stash of Xaviera Hollander novels! I love her! Former hooker turned novelist?! The best! And how can you not love books with the series called “The Golden phallus of Osiris?”

Nora (still not letting go of the vampire novel): What do you think is the attraction to vampires?

Me: Well, they have been painted as glamorous mysterious figures of the night. People want to be like them. But all of us are vampiric in a sense in our lives.

Nora: How so?

Me: Think about it. It’s all about drinking blood, which is a bodily fluid. Isn’t sexual intimacy about body fluids? The discharge or ejaculation to the receptacle?

Nora: Or the sucker and the suckee?

Me: Correct, sister! You know what…. your fingers have grafted themselves to the book. Buy it!

Nora: Why don’t you buy it?

Me: I am not a fan of romance, girl, vampire or otherwise. I heard a lot of good reviews about it. Go! Buy!

Nora: I don’t know. This novel seems to be chick lit.

Me: I don’t know. But come to think of it, the only people I know truly gushing about it are women! Who knows? It could be Sex in the City with fangs and pallid faces.

Nora: I hate Chick Lit.

Me: But you’re a woman! You should relish those kinds of books.

Nora: You’re gay. How come you absolutely detest Barbra Streisand?

Me: Touche. My apologies for the gender profiling. Perhaps it is not Chick Lit?

Nora: I don’t know. I read in the recent Time Magazine that the vampire in Twilight is like Jane Austen‘s Mr. Darcy.

Me: Ohhh sexy.

Nora: Hardly. Detached, cold, and aloof more like it.

Me: I know but there’s a thick sexual tension there.

Nora (setting down the book): I can’t handle more sexual tension. Besides, I was never that attracted to vampiric love. Cunnilingus from them must be a bitch.

Nora bought Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I bought a book entitled Islamic Art and Architecture. We were at the cashier and behind us were these giddy girls buying The Twilight books. One of them gushed “OhmyGaaahd. I am, like, soooo reading this tonight na! Vampires are kewl noh?! I want to be one!” Nora and I smiled at each other.

Nora: If vampires are immortal and she’s one of them, I’d gladly welcome old age and death.

Me: God bless you and your elitist fangs….and, girl, at least, they’re reading….



  1. Wow. that was a long conversation blog you uploaded……

  2. Northwind that means I have dynamic conversations with my friends.

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