Posted by: nastypen | March 3, 2008

Vignettes Around the Coffin

I received a text message from a friend that I should enjoy the wake of my grandmother. She said she really enjoys wakes because it is a chance that she will see other relatives in one place.

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I almost blanched when I found out the cost of the coffin. Why such an expensive thing only to be buried away with a rotting carcass? The people say that is how much they love Lola. I didn’t know love means a high-priced coffin. When my time comes, shove in the incinerator and be done with it. I’ll be too dead to care if you love me or not.

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The loudest laugh in the wake came from me when a relative said “You must make a lot of money as a teacher in the University of the Philippines.”

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Yes, people said I look like Chris March of Project Runway. Yes, they were laughing at me . Yes, they thought I’d be insulted. I said “Well, he’s cute and talented unlike a lot of people di ba?” To which the not so cute and not so talented fell silent.

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Lola looked resplendent in the dress my mother bought her for her 50th wedding anniversary. My Lolo told me that lola just made one request: that she be buried wearing it. She brought the dress anywhere she went to just in case.

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Funeral homes are still a playground for screaming kids.

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I had to assist my 97-year-old great aunt to stand by the coffin. She was so light yet shaking like a leaf as she sobbed. It’s sad when almost all of the people you knew and you grew up with are in the afterlife.

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My Lolo still speaks to Lola telling her who arrived and who just left and who came in to see her. It’s heartbreaking.

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Relatives got wind that it’ll be my birthday soon. One yelled that I should feed all of them, to which I said “Ok, after I sell my kidney, probably both of them, to the black market.”

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I have a five-year-old cousin from North America who said her other stuffed Minnie Mouse toy lives inside her “Daddy’s butt.” Rodents in the ass? A first in the family. Oh wait that man is not blood related.

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My tranny aunt danced sexily urging my cousin to dance with her. This may be the only time I see a tranny dance the shimmy shakes in front of a coffin.

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My tranny aunt told me that the security guard of the funeral home flirted with her, to which she unzipped her jacket and out came bouncing her boobs when we neared the guard’s desk.

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I was checking the exams of my students and was frowning. An aunt said I look scary and the students must be afraid of me. She said had I had been her professor, she would have flunked. I didn’t contest her.

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I have a pregnant aunt who would sexily pose and ask everyone who is the prettiest of Lola’s daughters. I yelled my tranny aunt’s name.

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A cousin of mine who is pretty but people frown that she is getting fat. She smiled and sweetly said, “Di ko alam kung bakit nila pinoproblema ang taba ko. Di ko naman pinoproblema ito” or something like this to which my pride for her soared.

—-|||||—-

Lolo hugged and kissed me and was repeating “Ang ganda-ganda ng apo ko.” Yet, he insists that I find a girlfriend. When Lola was alive and heard this, she retorted that I didn’t like girlfriends. My mother explained to Lolo the best way she could explain homosexuality: via comparison. She likened me to my tranny aunt. To which my sisters told my Lolo that at least my boobs are real.

—-||||—-

The last time Lola was conscious, she and Lolo were praying the pasyon since Holy Week is approaching. Both of them fell asleep after that. Only one of them woke up.

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Responses

  1. Sr. condelence po to the death of your grandma.

    BTW.. I love the way you write! I can even imagine you saying it out loud and doing your thing and making people laugh just the way you made me laugh in front of my pc.

    I also read your blog about the eraserheads anthology essay you contributed.(bigaten ka pla sr. yes nmn!) I’d like to buy one and if i do i’d have it signed by you. ok lng sr? thanksy!

    more power to you and your success as a writer!!!

    your pa113 student


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