When I ride the taxi, I sit up front next to the driver so I can see if the taxi meter is rigged or not and that the aircon hits me. I usually sit quietly and let the taxi driver rant until he gets the idea that I do not really want to partake of his wisdom and shuts up.
Today, a taxi driver told me his penis size.
It was difficult to get a cab so I was quite thankful to have gotten one. The driver didn’t even throw a hissyfit on my destination. He just kept quiet at first. I was about to catch some sleep when he started hooting like a mad dog.
He was being attuned to his beast side at this young woman wearing skimpy shorts and a baby tee as she walks and flounces her creamy white thighs. The driver nudged me, “Akin yan!” (She’s mine!) I answered, “Wag kang mag-alala, di ako interesado.” (Don’t worry, I’m not interested.)
He asked, “Bakit naman, ‘Tol?” (Why not, Bro?) It’s either I’m straight-looking (I definitely am not) or this guy is clueless. Before I could reveal my splendid fabulous side, he started barking, “Di bale, ‘pre, hahanapan kita. Nagpapahiram naman ako eh hehehe.” (No matter, dude, I’ll search one for you. I share, too. Hehehe.”
I said, “Uhm….” and he started pointing at women randomly! He was bellowing in Tagalog: Her? How about here? She looks delicious on all fours! Her! the one with the brown hair! Her legs look like they can crush us. Her with those lips? she looks like she can suck my 6 and half inch cock, balls and all!
My eyes just widened in horror by the second. I was in a cab with Manila’s poster boy for misogyny.
I groaned at his nudging me and pointing at women on the streets….beeping his horn and mouthing off “I love you” to their horrified faces. I was frantically rummaging through my bag looking for a thing to hide my face.
The cab driver mentioned that he misses his “matrona” (matron). Apparently, in what could be the longest five minutes of my life, he told me that he was taken in by an older woman with three children and he would do her by the stairs, by the porch, by the tree and he said the matron loved it so much that she was squealing all the time. This is the part when he imitated that sound which I would imagine is the sound of a banshee in pain… or a pteradoctyl mating call.
He was so proud of her screaming because jiggled his crotch “My six and a half inch cock with bolitas.” Bolitas are round pellets inserted under the skin of the penis to add texture to the penis. This sort of “enhancement” for pleasure has been in Visayan culture for centuries.
“You want me to show you where the bolitas are placed?” He asked. I managed to gasp “NO!” and he was waxing homeric about his penis. He ranted on and on that the best decision of his life was to get those bolitas. He told me that he had friends insert these magical pellets. Wow. This is Grade A Quality Time with your guy friends. He told me of his friends’ penises…on how one guy circumnavigated the shaft with these bolitas.
I checked my face in the mirror. I wanted to know if the words “Tell me about your penis” are scrawled all over my face.
He didn’t stop there. He said that his dad had a big dick, too. He found out when he got circumcised. The one who smacked the foreskin off his dick was the same guy who brutally removed the offending skin from the dad. Before doing the deed, the one who will circumcise the taxi driver paused and gasped, “Just like the father.”
Now the taxi driver is impressed by his sons’…uhm…err…. well-endowed traits. He beamed with pride as he mentioned that once his sons would know how to (warning: literal translation up ahead) “break into a pussy, the girls will just dig in their claws at their backs and never let go.”
Wow….I wish my dad would talk about me in that manner when he was alive. Pride via erectile tissue seems so much interesting than pride via academic stance.
He was telling me how he broke up with his high school girlfriend because she wouldn’t let him insert his erect penis all the way in a tryst. He chuckled on how he used to fuck the maid when he was younger. He was caught and the poor woman was sent packing. He said it was “All her fault for not locking the door while bathing.”
“I couldn’t help myslef. I ate her pussy and she loved it.” He asked me, “What would you do if you saw a naked woman in your bathroom?”
I wanted to say, “Scream. Faint. Vomit. Lose Appetite for the next four days.” But I managed to say, “If I saw a naked woman in my bathroom, I would demonstrate to her how lock the door.”
This is the part when I scooped the money and handed it over to him. I suddenly remembered the words to Hail Mary and got out of the taxi in the middle of the traffic. And I went to the bathroom and started cleaning my hands thinking, “Ewww I touched hands that stroked a dick with bolitas!”
Taking the taxi in Manila really adds character.