Posted by: nastypen | November 11, 2007

Lessons From a Vampire Flick

Faye and I watched 30 Days of Night.  I’ve already seen it before but Faye wanted a movie far removed from humanity so this one is it then.  I’m not a big fan of the movie.  The graphic novel is ok.  It was standard vampires gone wild and ripped sinews dangling from a wound type of film.  Of course, the censors managed to cut out the goriest of scenes.  Here are what I learned and questions that we pondered upon after watching the film (spoilers ahead): 

1.) The fat man always dies first.  Always.

2.) Vampires talk like they are velociraptors.

3.) Vampires like to wear knee-high Doc Martens boots.

4.) Vampires look like filthy emo kids…only I’d rather talk to vampires and the vampires are sexy and glamorous.

5.) If vampires only drink blood, do they just pee?  What’s vampire shit like?  Do they cry blood?  Do they ejaculate blood?  Wai.  Do vampires pee, shit or ejaculate?

6.) If being a vampire means having to say good-bye to good old mindless animalistic copulation, turn me into a garden gnome now.

7.) Josh Hartnett is better looking as a monster than a vacuous pretty boy.

8.) I just found out that the head vampire is Danny Huston, Anjelica Huston‘s half brother….his hotness factor just increased tenfold.  I was actually salivating over his character but necking with him may be a bitch.

9.) There was no grandmother, no brother in the graphic novel.  American horror films love to inject family and have them eviscerated for emotional range.

10.) I can’t wait for Beowulf.

11.) What is the scariest Filipino vampire film?  My bet is the first episode of the Regal film triptych Rosa Mystica starring Snooky Serna.  It was scary because of Snooky and she wasn’t the vampire.  Ohhh. how about Vampira starring Anjanette Abayari?  I watched that and I applauded the faux lesbian tension between Anjanette and some poor skank in a comfort room.  But it wasn’t scary.  I bet A Love Story starring Aga Muhlach and Maricel Soriano is frightening.  It is essentially a vampire film….emotional vampires whining about how crappy their existence is.

12.)  Vampires are mainly Caucasians.

13.) Vampires with pigtails must be decapitated.  They don’t have a sense of style.

14.) Vampires seem to be just heterosexual in this film.  If there was, then the girlfriend of the head vampire should have been advised that the Winona Rider Sun dress is out and should not come back in fashion for at least three generations.

15.) I sorta miss Aaliyah‘s accent, 12-inch eye lashes and body movements in Queen of the Damned.  Now that is a vampiric drag queen.

16.) Vampires are messy eaters.  They waste blood by having to theatrically gash at their victims?  Couldn’t just one slash suffice?  And make every drop count!  Drink the blood you spilled on the floor.

17.) Vampires are afraid of the sun, yes, but can they wear something with color?  A little plum doesn’t kill you.

18.) How do vampires celebrate their birthdays?  Or is it birthnight?

19.) One of the vampires looks like Mike Tyson when he smiles.  And almost similar teeth, too.  Creepy.

20.) How am I supposed to regain the money I spent for this film?

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Responses

  1. one of the vampires looks like Marilyn Manson haahhha

  2. How to get back your money? By letting me treat you to Beowulf. Yet another movie far removed from reality. Hehehe.


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