Posted by: nastypen | October 7, 2007

Sex Toys

A friend asked me via SMS “Do you want to test out a pocket vagina?”

I received that text message as I was in a karaoke bar and this hulkish man was singing Madonna‘s Crazy for You with gusto. I laughed like crazy. I hope the guy didn’t think that I was laughing at his singing though. The words “Pocket Vagina” send me into a fit of “look at me, I’m a moron like Beavis and Butthead” giggles.

Apparently, that friend of mine has a business partner who is keen in bringing certain sex toys in the country. Of course, their target market are straight males. So, last time I checked, I am as straight as Burma is free. So why me?

“We need a gay perspective.”

I don’t know what sort of perspective a “Pocket Vagina” can give me that I can impart without having to snort my brain out from laughing nor killing myself via suffocation from stiffling my laughter.

To think I was so keen on including sex toys as part of my humanities discussion on industrial design but changed my mind.

Hey, don’t go all moralistically hurling fire and brimstone at me; if you go down Art History, you would see that some of the earliest art works are pertaining to the act of coitus.  Furthermore, this is a valid discussion in anthropology as well as history.  Maybe some other semester when I can find more academic readings on sexuality and gadgetry.

My friend Sharon, years ago, sent me a package for my birthday. It was a sex toy. She sent it via mail. Needless to say, I never received it and some mailman must have been so taken by butt plugs that s/he decided to keep it. Truthfully, I wouldn’t know what to do with it had I received it. I would have most likely fashioned it into a necklace and made it an easy conversation piece at a party.

But how can you disguise a “pocket vagina?” Better yet, what does a pocket vagina look like? Could it look like a fleshlight? But then I realized, it can fit into a pocket?! I was sniggering at the thought that this sex toy for males can fit into a pocket….so what does that say about the …uhm….errr…..dimensions of the phallus?

So I met up with the friend curious to see what a pocket vagina looks like.

First of all, it does not fit into a pocket. It actually looks like a thermos I had when I was in elementary! It has accordion expandable ridges so one cylinder fits all. Secondly, It does not look sexy to me. I don’t think, straight or not, will find this cylinder sexy.  It looks like a container for clay!  It is so bright and cheery.  It does not really give any indication that this is designed for self-stimulation.

I thought “Well, isn’t this nice? My first sex toy and it pertains to the female genitalia.  Breathe in the irony.”

I told my partner “Hey, I’m getting a pocket vagina!”  He stared at me with fierce judgment addled with disbelief in his eyes.  I joked maybe this toy will make me see that I’m really heterosexual after all!  Ok, I puked a little in my mouth when I typed that last sentence.

The friend and I met at a restaurant and in front of the patrons, I was handed this curious thing that is all about pleasure.  I asked my friend to have my picture taken with it! This is just soooo hilarious to not have a photo taken.  So, now, the friend is expecting a full report soon.

I have to be honest that I am not at all excited to try it out.  I don’t know.  Is there supposed to be a ritual?  Like shall I light incense sticks, have soft Arabic beats waft in the air, the room turns sombre with the drawn curtains?  Shall I introduce myself to the thing?  Take that thing out to dinner?  Find out that thing’s horoscope and see if we match for this fling?  Shall I drink copiously before I engage myself in such a less-than-evolved act of nature?

I honestly cannot tell you any profound reason as to why I acquired that “Pocket Vagina” save for the fact that I like the irony of it all.  I want to have it but not really use it.  Right now, it’s on top of a pile of books I shall be reading after I check my students’ papers.

I should ask my friend’s business partner to get ahold of Rubber Ducky Vibrators.  I’d like to have the one in a devil’s costume for a paperweight.



  1. i’ll take it… ;p

  2. Migs….ganohn!?!? Bwahahahaha!

  3. picture picture! 😀

  4. hi chong,
    will be in manila october 13–hope to (ahem!) sit in in one of your classes.


    ps: what happened to that magazine you were hoping to edit?

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