Posted by: nastypen | July 27, 2007

Their Love, This Time, is Cholera

I recently met with a fabulous friend of mine. She’s a proprietress for one of those speed dating things. She was exasperated and produced a transparent pink envelope.

“You have to read this,” she quipped as she rummaged through the sheets of papers. She later mentioned it was the selection of the “best” bachelors out there in the metro. They even sent some photos. I have to say that most of these guys are hot. Now, if only a relationship means looking at them and not having to hear their thoughts (or lack thereof).

These guys, all of them straight, filled out one of those questionnaires a la girly high school scrapbook. And their answers are evidence that God is just. You may look so hot, but man, you’re as articulate as Lindsay Lohan is sober.

Poor things. I bet they did not have an idea that their answers were being laughed at during lunch by two witches. It was such a lovely lunch: good food, pictures of handsome men and the best answers on earth. Woof. there was this guy who was making me sin in my head! It did not help that the weather was humid and we were viewing these temperature-raising pictures of man meat.

Ah…but their answers….some of them had decent answers, but, dear me, there was an avalanche of D-uh moments. Is stupidity or even cluelessness a disease? Is ignorance choleric?

Their replies remind me of an interview a friend of mine did for the Filipino representative to this global male beauty contest. The guy was swaggering like he is in love with his own pheromones and when asked of his family, he unblinkingly said, “I have two brothers, both male.” Yup, we musn’t confuse that with female brothers, right.

So, you get the idea.

I don’t know if it was the food or the answers that gave me a headache.

They were all looking for a relationship. The girl has to have two things that resonate in most of their answers; she must be nice and simple. What the? An egg is nice and simple. You wouldn’t want to have a relationship with an egg, now do you?

One of them defined love as “Hard to get in, easy to get out.” That’s like a “DANGER: HAZARDOUS WASTE” sign on his forehead for you, straight girls. Oh jeebus, these men’s quest to sound cool with their lines made them look like they survived lobotomy.

But it gets better…or worse…depending on your point of view….one man’s vision of a romantic yet adventurous evening with his date is to canoodle “in a forest, near a waterfall….but not in public.” What the?…..And another dude said that he and his date will “fly to the Bahamas then land in Venice”…wow…either this guy knows little about geography or he is into collecting air miles. Nothing can make a woman more beautiful than to be cramped in non-stop flight across at least three different time zones.

One question asked what move will he do during lovemaking that will make the woman fall in love with him even more. One guy wrote down “A Walk to Remember.” Uhm…it’s MOVE and not “Movie!” Perhaps the guy is dyslexic? The proprietress commented, “Honey, this guy may have a hard time looking for the G-spot as he cannot read….nor can he spell!!!”

Another hottie answered the same question with the cryptic “Look into my eyes.” Golly gee! Mesmerize me! Who needs date drugs when you are a hypnotist?

What was the most romantic thing you ever did to a girl? This student gushed, “I proposed to her in the middle of the ocean.” What?! Which ocean? Were they shipwrecked? Does being adrift and lost at sea count as romantic? Another fool wrote down “I rented a rooftop for a candle light dinner.” What kind of rooftop? Corrugated iron? Details, please!!!! This student wrote, “On top of the hill with her and it’s raining and we are holding hands.” At least have an umbrella for the both of you, nothing is sexier than a runny nose and the influenza while at the throes of foreplay.

“Ah….my beautiful, dumb, DUMB men!” yelled my friend as we sashayed out of the restaurant. The sky was rumbling but our cackles drowned that. As the rain slowly fell, my friend quoted Kathleen Turner, “I like my men who are not too smart.”

“Not too smart” is the understatement in some cases.

Another question was “What is your pet peeve with ladies?” There was this one guy who was smoldering hot but has a nasty penmanship and several scratches (his teachers may have been suicidal reading his exam papers) and he answered “A girl’s sexy body.” Wha?!?!?! He considers a girl’s sexy curves as a pet peeve ergo irritating?

Oh but that was not the best answer. One guy wrote down “Chihuahua.”

If these are the best men out there for ladies then I urge a mass conversion to lesbianism.

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Responses

  1. ahahahahahahahahahaha!! i died laughing 😀 good one chong, hope i was with you sa lunch para i can see the guys pictures!

  2. pssst…i am back, dahlin….and from where you might ask? ugh. just read my entry. the reason is soooo middle-class. chos. hahahaha.

  3. ahahahhaa!!! well, since im high and dry in this arid piece of land gimme one of those men! their witticisms will surely liven up my boring days. heh.

  4. Bwaahahahhaha! What a nice entry indeed! Goes to show that life really is far more interesting and challenging for men with beautiful bodies but lacking the proper axions to connect with women.

  5. Makes me grateful that I am single and unattached now, that be with a “beautiful” guy that has a brain smaller than a pea… I’d be suicidal…

  6. The trick is to screw them but not get pregnant by them. Hehehe. One can live with a dumb one-night stand material but not with a child whose idiocy is caused by the birth mother’s carelessness with birth control.

    Nyahahaha.


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