Posted by: nastypen | March 23, 2007

The Sun is Your Enemy, Liposuction is Your Friend

Oh God, I went to the National Bureau of Investigation to get my clearance. I lost my old copy hence I have to undergo the pleasant activity of fingerprinting once again. It did not help that mother nature decided to start the torturous summer season early.

But I armed myself with a book just in case I have to wait. The LRT trains were crammed made worse by the heat. There was this lady who suddenly pushed the guy behind her thus making him fall back and stepping on my foot. So, that was not a pleasant start. The guy alighted the train and that lady gloated on how she “fought back” by pushing.

Apparently, the guy pushed her. So she was telling total strangers within earshot, in her case, her voice was shrill so anyone in a 2-meter radius can listen to her victory over the guy. It became worse, she demonstrated on how she was pushed and how she retaliated. Not once, but four times in a minute. I pity her children and husband. They were not with her but if this is any indication of her acts, her home may sound like the bird cage of Manila Zoo.

I huffed not loudly but sternly “Ang ingay mo.” (You’re too noisy). She fell silent and the people in the coach were sniggering. When I left the train I turned to her and said, “Next time, you should ride at the women’s section if you don’t like men pushing you.” I just looked at her and I realized that I can do this face and this tone of voice in my class and they will fall deathly silent. God, I can’t handle stupid morons who tell a story horribly and repeat it immediately.

So I had to navigate the corners of Avenida for the NBI building. As usual, there were hawkers outside saying that for a fee I can have my clearance fast. Please! Generally, it was pretty fast but it was hot.

And I dreaded the fingerprinting part. Not just because I don’t want to feel like a criminal but the ink they smear on my fingers are icky and hard to take off. I don’t like it that this old NBI guy had to take my thumb mark again because it did not print well. So, he smeared MORE ink on my fingers and said that I have sweaty fingers ergo the ink won’t stick.

My hands don’t sweat.

My forearms sweat, not my hands. Told the old guy my hands don’t sweat. I think I know my hands more than him. He tugged my hands to his face and EXAMINED it like it was a dissected frog and was probing for sweat. I couldn’t believe this moment! He was muttering after noting that my hands don’t sweat why won’t the ink stick. Ergo, MORE INK APPLIED. And he pressed my fingers so hard on the paper that my fingerprints looked sooo big, like they belong to King Kong. And I have such dainty and delecate hands. I had to pay two pesos for a moist kleenex. I bought ten pieces. The ink stains are hard to eradicate and I was bitching and sweating. This little kid was staring at me as I vigorously rubbed my fingers raw. I think I just changed my fingerprints from the excessive rubbing. The only consolation was that the process was quick and I did not reach the lunch break which means an hour of waiting in this heat, with sweat and grime wafting to the air.

So, I walked around Avenida thinking about the history of this place. This used to be the financial capital of the country. I looked for quaint old buildings from the American colonial era. Instead I saw this:


Well, we were never known to respect edifice and history.

Oh well. The sun was fierce! This time, I miss my cropped hair because my thick mop just made it so hard to walk around. There were flared tempers at the queue at the LRT Carriedo station. There were two really slow-moving lines to get in the station. All bags were inspected. I guess security in this station is heightened than usual. Then a screaming match ensued between these two men who were pushing at the ticketing counter. I was just projecting myself to a climate-controlled environment while spectators milled about these two screaming simians. It was a contest on who yelled the loudest. Tsk tsk….men can be such stupid boys sometimes.

I don’t care what Blas says…I NEED MY STRAWBERRY SHAKE. So, when I arrived in Makati, I rushed to the mall. I ran into an aquaintance. Gay, of course. I yelled, “Hoy, Bakla! Manlalake ka na naman ano?” (Hey, faggot, on the prowl to pick up men?) in front of the mall crowd. The friend who we shall call Maggie screamed!

Maggie is a tranny now. And she was with a friend who, I have to say, is the most beautiful tranny I ever met. She is called Maxi. They were following a cute man that led them to me. I apologized that I made them lose the trail of the hot guy. They brushed that off with “Pffft…Men are everywhere!” So we hie off to buy lingerie (ok, they bought lingerie, because the largest size for a nightie will just cover my knee cap) and had lunch.

Apparently, Maggie, who I have not seen for quite a while, just had surgery. Maggie was a tall lanky dude with razor thin moustache back then, yet, is now sporting a cup D with long flowing locks. She twirled in front of me and said “Do you like my hips?!?! I have them now!!! I also had some ass added and had liposuction!”

Yes, I looked like a bouncer when we were sashaying. I was a troll among queens! Maggie bought a girdle for her liposuction procedure. Maxi and Maggie were milling about looking for girdles while the salesladies were whispering “Are they?” I was just busy relishing my strawberry shake.

So, when we had lunch, Maggie pointed out to Maxi that I used to be thin and, according to her, “Really gorgeous.” I said, “I’m still gorgeous!” Maggie just threw me a glance that looked like she was having lunch with a street leper. Maggie just ranted on and on how I should not have let go of that fab body and I could have had more men than her and without having to resort to cosmetic surgery.

Maxi noted that my arms and hands are what men are looking for in a woman or in a tranny. My father would have been so proud with that infromation.

Maxi asked me if I wanted to have a liposuction because she knows this really great doctor. I don’t doubt her because Maxi is one hot bitch! Men were staring at her as she walked. Her voice needs modulation though. hahahaha.

Maggie told me she spent less than 200,000 pesos for the procedure. I almost choked from the price. I told her now that I shall be a government employee, it will just take me less than 3 centuries to make that amount. Maggie just had general anaesthesia and had the whole buffet of nip/tuck. Her procedure took the entire afternoon a week or so ago. She has hips now and was asking every five minutes “How does my ass look?”

Maxi told me of the procedure she just had last week in which she had her cheeks lessened.  They’re a bit swollen but I can see that she will be a flawless pretty face.  My goodness, these two trannies look better than the winners of the Ms. Philippines, I swear to God.   Maxi has a partner  right now….an airline pilot!  Sexy.  Maggie is just a slut and a half and she loves it!  “Come to my hotel room and I’ll show you pictures of the dicks I sucked in New Orleans!”  Oh hell no!  Maggie is a “strike anywhere, anyone” kind of slut, from janitors (“Well, he was not just any janitor, he was the cosmetic clinic’s janitor!”) to some old but good looking businessmen.

We were gossiping about which actor is gay and is now in a live-in relationship with another actor. Or how about this actor who is always driven in black mercedes benz to his rich (REALLY RICH) gay “patron.”

I asked Maxi, “Girl, what is your real name?”

With a flutter of her long eyelashes and giggle, she muttered, “Maximo.”

I yelped and guffawed, “MAXIMO?!?!?!!? Oh my goodness!”

Maggie raised her eyebrow and said, “I know. She’s the real Maximo Oliveros!”

Does this look like a Maximo to you?

Ganda mo, Deng!!!!!!

Oh Lordy, just having their photos taken is quite a task. Maggie screeched, “Not yet!!! Not yet!!! I’m not ready!!! Take my photo next week!” Maxi was whimpering, “I’m not photogenic! I ALWAYS look better in person.”

When we walked towards the taxi line, we passed by this group of foreigners who were all agog at the boobs of my companions.  Maggie requested, “Let’s turn around and give these foreigners another look.”

I fell behind them because I destroy the scenery.  The two magnificently sashayed slowly like cats stalking a prey.  when they passed the ogling foreigners, mostly young caucasian men, they girlishly giggled and whispered to each other.

I just yelled, “Maximo and Eduardo, you are soooooo pretty!”

This fat bitch always has the last laugh.



  1. funny post…and attractive ladies indeed!

    so… who are these actors? =)

  2. You are my hero. God knows kung ilang away na siguro ang pinasok ko kung hindi lang ako nagpipigil tuwing ako ay sasakay ng bus, jeep, lrt and the like. Hay.

    Ano kaya itsura mo kung nagpa gender reassignment ka ngayon no? Panalo yun bakla!

  3. Jher, parang di ako pwede magkagender reassignment kasi naman magmumukha akong Nanette inventor!!!!!

    Dave, these are Filipino actors that we shall hide with the initials P and P, S and M, J and M….yun lang! hahahaa

  4. P and P = Pepe Pimentel?

    S and M = Sammylag May?

    J and M = Joey Marquez (?!!), Jake Macapagal?, J Mrodriguez?, Jose Matute?,

    Best regards… and can i invite you for coffee?


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