Posted by: nastypen | December 6, 2006

Dear Ate Kelly

I received news from the other day from the former office that one of the most screaming of screaming faggots I met in my life was sick. I call him Kelly, a derivative from “Kilay” or eyebrows. Kelly has the most striking eyebrows on earth. they are like inverted Nike swooshes. I called him “Ate” (big sister) sometimes, but “Kelly” is the most endearing.

Kelly is pretty tall and the men at the office shake their heads in resignation that Kelly could have been a great basketball player, instead Kelly likes to give blowjobs to basketball players.

My relationship with Kelly is shaky at best. I remeber his first day at work, he was an editorial assistant and I was the art director. The bitch had the gall to give me his cup and told me to give him coffee. I smiled sweetly and cooed “Eh kung basagin ko yan sa nguso mo?” (What if I just smash this to your mouth?)

But I like Kelly. He had this laugh….this inexplicable infectious laugh. He would throw back his head and open his mouth showing missing teeth and laugh like I would imagin screaming lemurs from Madagascar would sound like if they were threatened.

And his make-up!

My goodness!!!!

I remember bringing my complete pencil set for skethcing purposes. He borrowed my 6B pencil. Why would he need such a thick pencil? Well, he needed to draw his eyebrows. Kelly’s actual eyebrows are gone. Thus, he pencils them. He can pencil perfect arches like the McDo logo hlaved. To a pair of Vulcan eyebrows that can make him look like Dr. spock’s gay relative. He penciled his eyebrows before to make him look like he was perpetually shocked.

He asked me occasionally if his eyebrows are symmetrical. And he powders his face with inches and inches of foundation, I swear to God, he looks like this, only with shorter hair:

Baby Arenas

This is Baby Arenas. She’s a socialite and a rumored presidential mistress and she looks like Kelly on a lot of occasions. That is why I used to call Kelly Baby Arina (flour) for the sheer volume of foundation he would apply. But he was generally know as Kelly with some variations such as Kelly Preston, Kelly Periquet, Kelly Minogue.

Kelly could be found after work haunting the dark corners in España street where he would seduce students and seminarians. He would pose by his spot wearing his tight shirt showing off his pigeon breast and tucked it in a pair of maong pek-pek shorts (hot pants). One time a scrawny baklita (young homosexual) was hovering about Kelly’s territory prowling for boys. The horrors!!! This is like Animal Planet when animals bristle at the territorial encroachment. Kelly was making hissing sound and strutting about within the line of sight of the baklita. Kelly was drinking a can of diet coke at that time. What kelly did was he crushed the can with his hand threw it at the feet of the baklita. The baklita was so taken aback that he took flight like a frightened gazelle. Kelly asserted his territory.

K elly is much older than me. He remembered climbing to the roof to wave at Miss Gloria Diaz as she made her way into the Manila streets as Miss Universe 1969. Kelly knows a lot of beauty pageants. He fancies himself as Miss Mexico Lupita Jones, to him, the most beautiful Miss universe ever. Kelly and the other gaggle of gays would have imprpmptu fashion shows inside the office. He would imitate how Anna Bayle worked the New York runways in a Calvin Klein gown. My favorite was the Tina Maristela balakubak (dandruff) walk when you start walking down the runway, you give out a fierce pose then as you strut, you scratch your hair violently thus destroying the coiffure but still looking elegantly trashy.

Kelly and I shared one thing that we admire: Maria Callas. We admire the ferocity of this late great opera singer both on stage and how she was an imperious diva offstage. Why, there was one time when Callas was served with summons from the court (I think it was for tax evasion or something) after she sang. It was caught by a photographer, this moment of rage when Callas threw the papers to the messenger and screamed “You can’t do this to me! I’m an angel” Oha!!! DIVA!!!!

And besides, most fabuloue gay men would bow down to Maria Callas, herald her beauty:

This is an Angel?!?!?!

No wonder Kelly likes her, too. And, yes, Kelly, had those eyebrows, too.

When the bosses are gone from the office, Kelly would dance to the soundtrack of Priscilla Queen of the Desert and even mouth off the song “Finally” much to the enjoyment of everyone. Or, she could do her homage to Ate Barang (Barbra Streisand) and sing “Tell me,” <Ok, I just got word from Bridget Jones: “Bakla, it’s TELL HIM! Sacrilege!!”  Sorry, people, obviously I’m not a Barbs fan and definietly not a Celine Dion Fan.  I can sing you a PJ Harvey song though.  hahaha> that hideous duet with the equally hideous Celine Dion.

I miss Kelly. He once grabbed my hands and soothed then and said, “Neng, mabenta ka sa mga men! Ito type nila, makinis at malambot na kamay!” (Girl, men will fall for you! this is what they like: smooth and soft hands!) ugh….Kelly implied I make a good masturbator. Please, bitch! Kelly is an old-fashion bakla, he would pick up and want to do the nasty with straight men and he finds gays who cavort with fellow gays disgusting. To each his own, bitch.

I haven’t seen Kelly for years. I left that office and the ringing laughter of gleeful gays for a staid cubicle. no regrets. Just changes. But, I heard that Kelly is deathly thin and sick from tuberculosis.

I want to see him before he goes. I’ll buy him a 6b pencil so he can have those fabulous eyebrows again.

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Responses

  1. Bakla, its TELL HIM. sacrilege! hahahaha! Maybe Kelly Clarkson can be added to the list of pang-ookray? As for the TB thing, i hope kelly goes to a health center for her to be treated. hindi sya mamamatay, bakla. mahirap mamatay ang mga katulad natin. hahahaha!

  2. bwaahhahaha!!! OONGA PALA!!! Obvious ba na di ako fan ni ate barang lalo na ni celine dion? hahahahah sorry!!! pang-nine inch nails byuti ko eh hahahaha

  3. […] Funny.  No it’s not.  But i just blogged about Kelly being sick.  I got a text message yesterday saying that Kelly was fine.  Then on December 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, Kelly passed away from meningitis. […]


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