Posted by: nastypen | December 3, 2006

Wedding or Weeding?

I was asked to host the reception for my buddies’ wedding this week. I guess being the only jabber-the-hut (Fat man talking) on the group, the task fell to me. I am pretty happy for both of my friends.

But, me a host?

I was told no potty mouth, no bitchy snide remarks, no flaming screams…well, what’s left then? Clearly, I can’t do my Melanie Marquez impressions! I’ll just read the list of people in the reception? hahahah

Ok, I’ll put on my subdued best. I asked the bride what her motif was. She mentioned that she wants all the clothes to be made from piña (pineapple). I asked her if I could wear something like this then:

Meeeees Eeeeenternaaashonaaaal!!!!

No. She didn’t agree.

But it was funny to see how her eyes almost popped out.

Don’t worry, I will be very formal. I would not wear a Barong Tagalog though. I’d look like I was running for senate what whit my hanging stomach of Babylon. So, I’ll wear my Mao Tse tung type of black long sleeves polo instead.

Whoa. another friend getting married. I call a wedding a weeding, because the single life gets weeded out. Technically, I’m married, but the state does not recognize it so I still pay taxes like a single man.


That’s the only thing I find appealing a reason to get married: lower taxes.

But, imagine if you will, you get weeded out from a life you are most accustomed to. Now, there will be MORE responsibilities. Commitments. Compromises. I know my friends will have a terrific marriage. I mean, clearly, they both love each other. But marriage is not to be taken lightly and here they are entering into a paradigm shift. Time with the brakada will be constricted. You will think less and less about yourself. You will share bedspace.

Tough eh?

So we were thinking on what to give to the newlyweds. One bland suggestion was a rice cooker. A rice cooker?!?! That is something your boring and pragmatic relative would give. I’m hardly boring (ganohn?!?! kapal!!!). I’m as pragmatic as Imelda Marcos. And I am not a relaitve.

Another suggestion was to get him that turbo blender something. The bridegroom saw it on the infomercial channel and he wants one. His eyes just lit up and said, “they put in marbles and turned it on…the marbles turned into dust! Cool!!!” uhm….ok….

I’m getting the newlyweds a box of lubricants.  If it’s one thing a marriage can be in this conservative and parochial society, it is an opening of floodgates to sex (no, I don’t need no wedding for that. hahahaha).  So, what better way to start your supposedly INITIAL foray into sexual intercourse but with lubricants?  They’re the best invention next to the wheel, I tell you.  Please, the last time I gave something “practical” to a marrying friend, their marriage went bust.

So, hurray for lubricants!  I’ll just look for a nice wrapper and write down “Warning:  DO not open in the presence of the in-laws.”



  1. let me guess, it’s that lubricant called bliss?

  2. it COULD be bliss….or it could be good old KY Jelly…or Loobie doobie lubes.

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