Posted by: nastypen | November 21, 2006

Closetificate

…or shall I call it defagging?

Closetification or defagging is when a gay man, under duress, must sweep his sexual orientation under the “shame rug.” It is a natural survival tactic due to societal malcontent over the issue of marginalized sectors.

****

But before anything else, I would like to announce that I am not going to watch Philippine Idol anymore. I don’t know what has happened! I have been gone for a month and when I return “quasi talents” (was that oxymoronic?) are still there and Ryan Cayabyab sounds like a glib idiot with his “I am tongue-tied and I’m not going to comment” statements.

Mahal kita, lesbiana kah!!!!

I do so hate that the out lesbian Pow Chavez has been evicted from the competition. Clearly, she had more talent than some of those left behind. What she did not have are supporters with more money so that they can keep their contestant buoyant. Pow did not have the support of officemates and underlings from a multinational company (like for example Unilever). Pow did not have the support of the rich classmates from schools that have posters around the campus telling its student to vote for a contestant. Pow did not have the machinery of a more massive text brigade perpetuated by rich relatives.

Pow did not have those. she just had talent and, apparently, talent is not enough to be a VALID contestant at the Philippine Idol. Sure, I wanted to slap Pow for donning an Ao Dai and belt out a song from Miss Saigon. Bitch, you looked like Niño Muhlach‘s twin! But I love you. At least, Pow, you did not look constipated with matching hemorroids while singing. You did not have a ridiculous laced-up outfit.

Pow, I love you and I thought it is a massive mistake to have you ousted.

But, bitch, I LOVE your exit! Bring on the tears!! Pow was very emotional and I could relate to her. She remarked that singing is her passion, but still, she was afraid of joining singing competitions because she is afraid of what people might react when they see a butch lezzy.

She was grateful to the audience for accepting her for what she is. Even though she was repeatedly asked to don a skirt or something feminine, Pow still went on looking like she can actually beat our asses. Ironic that when she wore an Ao Dai, the traditional costume for feminine elegance of Vietnam, she gets booted out.

Pow, I hope you get a better career than all those sugary hackneyed pop music drones that got left behind at the competition (except for Mau because I love her, too and I’m cynical enough to note that she might be booted out because she aint exactly pop trash material). Pow, you gave character to the competition. You are not a simpering fool with stupid poses. Pow, you have talent. Great talent. Ok, Mau, kick their asses, ok girl?

****

Pow’s statement of gratitude towards audience’s acceptance and tolerance made me think.

It is not easy to be marginalized but I NEVER….NEVER…..yearned to be straight. NEVER! Ugh!! Just the thought of me being straight is like me swapping spit with Manny Pacquiao!

It’s unthinkable!

It’s gross!

I never wanted to be straight. I just wanted to be left alone and not be tormented by homophobic bullies.

I did want to get in on with a girl just to see how it feels like but it is my attempt at bisexuality which is not straight. But that experiment with a “girlfriend” blew up in my face although I tease the boyfriend that I would like to get down on a girl someday just to experience it. He gave me a look as if I french kissed Pacquiao.

Anyway, I was in the States last month and it was God-awful hard to subdue myself and leave behind in Manila my collection of super-ultra-mega floral print polos. I was to say with uncles who are REPUBLICANS! I know. I shuddered when I listened to my uncle say that Republicans are correct, that the war in Iraq is necessary, that it was Bill Clinton‘s fault that the world has Osama Bin Laden, that gay marriages will bring down the great nation of America.

Ergo, I had to closetificate. But, of course, I CANNOT act straight! It’s like asking Melanie Marquez to explain Physics equation F=ma. Cannot be done. But I had to defag myself several notches. That is why I loved Washington DC and New York because I was away from Republican households and can just let my diva hair down. So, it was like the Don’t ask, Don’t tell reality for me over there.

I’m not exactly proud of what I did. It was necessary because I’m staying in their houses and I could not argue with the host about equality and tolerance; especially if these people are dead set in their views. It does not help that they have sons that just entered in their 20s and have testosterone-induces statements like “Yo, I aint no fag!” I wasn’t afraid, mind you. I was just uncomfortable.

Like when I was in Las Vegas with two very straight jocks, a son of a family friend and his pal, I really had to just be so clam up so tight, I was all seemingly virginal. So, there we were walking around the Las Vegas strip when one of them nudged me and spoke with an American-accented Tagalog “Teeng-nuhn mow yuhng dalwuhng lah-luh-kay za hara-phun mow. Mga ba-kuh-la seeluh!” (Take a look at the couple of guys in front of you, they’re faggots.) I raised my eyebrow. He was right and I knew this because of my gaydar but I wanted to know how he can tell. He said he “can smell them.” I wanted to ask him what kind of smell it was, but I just had to keep straight because of the sheer absurdity of the situation.

You’d think in America, pwede na ako magwala? (I can run wild?)

Oh hell no.

That is why I laughed when Survivor‘s Brad Virata came out and there was a semi-media frenzy with Virata’s family who happened to pe Filipino-Hawaiian.

Brad Virata, Badinggang Survivor

His family rallied behind him, of course, and they were quoted as such:

“He’s always been that way,” his brother, Chet Virata recently told AfterElton. “What’s cool … is that it’s always been like that with everybody in my family.”

Brad came out to his family about seven years ago, and they’ve always been supportive. “Filipino culture in the Philippines is not as accepting as the Asian community is here in the States,” his brother explains. “There’s a very strict Catholic background over in the Philippines. Here in the States … I think it’s a lot more accepting.”

Uhmmm……might I remind the gentleman that in America there are cases where gay men have been mauled by homophobes and left entangled at the barbed wires to die? Or how about gays being assaulted by a bat-weilding hooligan and had their brains bashed to the street.

Dearie, there may be conservatism in the Philippines, but homos and lezzies are seen generally as a part of reality. There may be frowns, raised eyebrows, whispered disapprovals and wrinkled noses at us, but, at least, there are no systematic violent constrictions against us. There may be murders here and there, basically crimes of passion, but not as vitriolic and appalling like that in the States.

That is why it is good to be back home where I can wear my African Goddess outfits and mildly shock and awe the people. I don’t make a concerted effort to defag here at all. and I’m glad to cackle like a witch and arch my diva eyebrow like a guillotine.

Care ko sa earth nila, di ba, deng? Sa tru!

****

 

 

 

Speaking of closets, last night, I went to see a former dormmate. Let us call him Blessilda Volks. He and I were talking about other dormmates and he mentioned a guy; let us call him Tina Paner, because, honey, he looks like that 80s icon of Filipino Pop culture!

So, Blessilda was jabbering about how he had sex with Tina. I was caught off guard because, as far as I know, he was harrassed by Tina. Blessilda coyly said, “At first, he harrassed me. On the second time, I let him harrass me.”

Tina has a reputation in the dorm and it was not a good one. The fairies at the dorm hate him because he was closeted yet he was the one who is a slut that makes Paris Hilton look like a follower of Mother Teresa. I remembered one really good looking guy who went to me distraught. I found him really cute and he wanted to cry as he entered my dorm room ten thousand years ago.

He said he was harrassed by Tina. He could not believe it! He was asleep on his bed and he awoke with a start to find Tina next to him canoodling his limp noodle. (Lordy, it was like the Grudge scene only scarier, right?) . And at one point he was typing his report and tina snuck in his room and hugged him from behnd plantingbig wet ones on his neck.

I’m sorry, but I laughed. I told the guy that he was almost a foot taller than Tina. He could have shoved him away or bash Tina’s ugly face to the typewriter case (yes, typewriter, it was that long ago!). the poor guy just crumpled on my bed and said he was just so afraid of Tina’s actions. The poor jock had to lock his door everytime. Tina had that effect. He was like a really horny troll. No, he did not get it on with me. I don’t do beastiality.

Anyway, so Blessilda and Tina got their freak on inside an all-male dormitory. I was accepted to that dormitory. On my first day, I only spent two minutes in that dorm and walked out and never set foot there again. It was a horrible place where I can get tetanus from the bed. And the dorm questionnaire had an item, “What do you think of squatters?” I asked the dorm manager why is this particular question significant. He just snorted that there are parts of the dorm where outsiders just made it their own and they cannot be evicted because he did not want a bloodbath. He then followed up my question with “I hope you don’t have expensive stuff. They will just be stolen.” Uh….hello and good-bye! It’s a miracle that Blessilda survived there and Tina managed to do the nasty with a lot of the dormers, too.

Blessilda made a face that they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Tina panicked so much and this affected Blessilda, and he panicked, too. They were scurrying about inside the room like a couple of headdless chickens. And Blessilda was flaying his scrawny arms about and he decided to hide.

Where, you ask?

Inside the closet….literally.

Poor Blessilda was crammed inside the tiny dorm closet like a pair of used socks as Tina opened the door flustered.  Now, I saw the closet of that dorm and my first reaction was, “Where will I put my shoes?!  I can’t place them under the bed!  they will be stolen!”  It was so small, it was like a coffin for an anorexic basketball player.

I could just imagine Blessilda trying not to breathe aloud with beads of sweat forming on his brow from the sheer guilt of the abhorrent act he just commited and is now being punished by God in closet purgatory.

So, I laughed really hard at this revelation last night.  Blessilda and I were doing high fives from the stupidity we undergo in our lives.  But, hey, they make a great blog entry, right?

I wanted to tell Blessilda thank goodness he did not stink of moth balls.  That would have just driven the arousal away.

 

 

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Responses

  1. Naku diva don’t give up on Idol just yet! Mau needs your bitchin’ support.

  2. Osiya siya. Fayn. watch na ako for Mau. but the way voting trend goes, baka maitsapwera ang lola Mau natin eh. 😦

  3. Tama nandyan pa naman ang magagaling. Itodo mo ang pagsuporta kela Mau, Gian at Jan.Gawin natin ang lahat mawala lang si Miguel sa Philippine Idol.

  4. Ang sakit…sana nanatili ang tulad ni pow na talented tlga at hindi yung nagmumukhang tanga na tulad nina miguel at jan…sayang. Hope that mau will raise the flag for both her and pow who deserve to make the final two para labanan tlaga ng talents at powerful voices. since hindi na makakasama si pow, mau should stand up. magaling ka girl kahit mahirap, ikaw ang mananalo. to pow, you’ll be a star at matagal nang nagsisimula yun. Remain being charming and down to earth.

  5. Parpee, agree ako sa thoughts mo….especially about those who are “nagmumukhang tnaga” but owell. Remember: What is popular is not really correct.

    Bow.

  6. Hello.
    Ihated how Pow went but I loved her final statements.
    Miguel, save yourself. Tell your family to stop voting you.

  7. I read on and on, not because I was that interested. I thought you were telling some kind of a sick joke and I wanted to see what the punchline was…nothing …what a waste of time!

  8. Well, augustman, there’s a saying that goes “to each his own.” but thanks for the thoughts. I’m sorry that I don’t like to tell “sick jokes.” Perhaps, you might want to check out other blogs. But thanks again for dropping by. Toodles. 🙂

  9. Hey man, thanks for wasting your time on me…I feel sort of important, hehehe…If you happened to pass the way of this “Little Filipino” don’t fail to drop me a line..I’ll accomodate you, free board and lodging….and no kidding… Have you been to the midwest? I do miss the company of Filipinos as I have not seen a single Filipino soul for ages where I live. And I miss Filipino food, like kare kare and pakbet ( I hope you can cook, hehehe). But most especially , I miss using such lovely words like “p—ng i-a mo and lintik ka”, just kidding….and my invitation is wholehearted, as long as you promise to behave, hehehe….

  10. Augustman….uhm…thanks for the offer but I don’t cook. But thanks for the invite. 🙂

  11. go diva go! LOL

  12. If people want to take out their hatred (caused by God knows what) on others, there will always have excuses. You can be ostracized for a variety of reasons like you’re too fat, left handed, too shy, too brown, or you’re too much of a non-conformist. At least, in the Philippines, people with narrow minds are just annoying. (Not that I don’t wish they’d just evaporate.)

  13. If people want to take out their hatred (caused by God knows what) on others, they will always have excuses. You can be ostracized for a variety of reasons like you’re too fat, left handed, too shy, too brown, or you’re too much of a non-conformist. At least, in the Philippines, people with narrow minds are just annoying. (Not that I don’t wish they’d just evaporate.)


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