Posted by: nastypen | November 13, 2006

Phantoms

 

 

I’m in an internet cafe with Lace. The game plan is that we stay here glued in front of the screen for four hours to make the both of us so sleepy thatwe won’t have any problems falling asleep later. It was no fun, our first night in Bacolod.

 

I feel sad for Lace because this is her first time here. We were given this dinky room festooned with religious iconography but still there are ghosts ahaunting. The beds are so small. Lace who is one-eigth my size complained of this. What does leave this fat diva with? The bed was good enough for my right leg.

 

At one point of the night, I almost jumped off the bed from the start. I held the bed posts and took a look at Lace who eyed me suspiciously. I thought there was an earthquake. There was none but my bed was shaking.

 

Oh great.

 

I managed to steal some sleep but was fully awake by 3 a.m. Last night was not a great one. The past 24 hours was one of the worst experiences I ever had. It was not just the ghosts. Something happened that blew out of proportion that left me spent and hallowed out. Too hallowed to care about the ghosts in the room. In fact I dared them to show up because I was pissing mad. Maybe a phantasm might shake away the negativity. No ghosts showed up.

 

We left the place this morning bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. Lace told me that she really wanted to cry last night becauseit was bad enough that there was no television in the room but to make her sleep on a dinky bed in a haunted room was just pushing her to the brink.

I was at the brink, too. Perhaps, still am.

Lace and I decided to go to Silay and see the mansions of the old rich of Bacolod. We wnet to the creepy Balay Negrense. It was supposed to be closed but I will have none of it and sashayed in. It was a set for either a period film or a horror flick:

Booooo

 

 

I was camwhoring and will post them in another happier blog entry. One shot of Lace and I had a strange face peeking from the corner of a mirror. I told Lace it was just the reflection of my hand, but Lace is creeped out by the ghostly apparition.

 

Anyway, one hour down, three more hours to go in this internet cafe. I am just surprising myself on my sheer talent for engaging in anger containment. Perhaps having had a lot of disappointments in life just buffered my frustrations to a level of complacent acceptability.

 

…..Till I lost the ring my partner gave me years ago. I lost the ring this afternoon. I lost the ring! It had so much significance in my relationship and now it is gone. I was thinking, “Ok, I lost the ring. With the luck I’m having, what shall I lose next? My mind? My life?”

 

The boyfriend texted me not to be distraught over the loss…that he is not angry….that I should ease up. Ease up?

 

Weight loss is easier.

 

I am so wound up like a toy on the point of breaking. I am like staring at the computer monitor right now just trying to fight the tide of negative thoughts amoidst this bedlam of stupid networking games’ sound effects and the whoops of geeks making a kill or whatever. I want to stand up and bash this girl’s ugly face to the computer monitor as she plays this irritating game that is blaring really loud music. I did not bring my mobile phone with me. I turned it off, tossed it on the bed and left. I want to be disconnected for now. Yet how can I disconnect with drooling morons making beastial sounds about which level they are playing now?

 

I’m not in a happy place right now to think I just came from a long vaction. Ah, the Good Lord taketh away, I guess. Yeah right. I know I’ll be ok. I know I’ll survive this. I have survived worse.

 

But there is just one phantom that is really tearing me apart. It is the ghost of the lost ring. I still fiddle my left ring finger out of habit and I find it heartbreaking that all I can touch is the soft indentation of the flesh where that ring used to be.

 

It’s like a phantom limb where amputees think that they still have an arm or a leg.

I feel amputated.

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Responses

  1. wawa ka naman

  2. ghosts…

    my goodness… but the ring is indeed the peek of you breaking up. I felt that in all of your SMS while you were in Bacolod.

    you are indeed lucky that your BF loves you that much… some are OA enough that losing the ring or whatever is their “binding” ritual will mean a breakup! And you know me, how i believe in the stars and signs? Trashed it na! You told me, you create your own fate 😉


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